Blog: On Self-care… or how to really avoid making life worse

I taught emotional intelligence for over 20 years. I research emotional resilience in families. I know what I need to do, to respond wisely and effectively. Yet there are still plenty of mornings when I wake up meaning to be patient, and by lunchtime I've snapped at my kids, made regrettable comments at work, slammed a door and cried in the bathroom.

Knowing the strategies in my head doesn't mean I can use them when I'm running on empty. Stress, lack of sleep, and exhaustion all affect the parts of our brain that help us focus, remember, and make good decisions. Our brains are just wired like that. And as human beings with human needs, we have limited cognitive and emotional capacity. This stuff really does run out… and when we don't refill it, there’s nothing left to make good decisions with.

Beyond that, stress is contagious. Even if we’re ninjas at masking, kids pick up on our stress. Research shows that young children's physiology can start to match the physiological stress of the adults near them. Our own calm and well-being matters ripples further than we may know!

So self-care isn't a bonus. It's how we protect our capacity to care for others. Think of it like a battery. If yours is low, you can't power anyone up. And we don’t yell at our phones for running out of battery. We just recharge them. No judgment needed.

Here are a few things to try.

Know your battery-low warning signs. Snappy, on edge, exhausted, unfocused? That's your cue to recharge, not push harder. It may feel counter-intuitive, but focusing on yourself for a few minutes might be just what you need here.

Look after the basics. Rest, move, nourish. Sleep, water, nutritious food, and some movement aren't indulgences. They're maintenance for our bodies, like servicing the car. 

Take a mindful pause. Close your eyes if you can, breathe slowly, and notice what you feel, smell, and hear. Feel your mind quiet down. Then be curious about what's going on inside you. Somedays I don’t realize I've been tense all day till I take a pause. We just get too used to it sometimes. This is one of many mindfulness practices. Research on mindfulness shows that regular practice has also been linked to changes in brain areas tied to memory, learning, and emotion regulation.

Talk to yourself like a good friend. When you mess up, notice the inner critic. Then ask yourself what you'd say to a friend who's having a hard week, and try that instead. Offer yourself comfort, with a hand on your heart. Self-compassion is linked to less anxiety and depression and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. 

Notice and Savour moments of joy. Our brains are like Velcro for bad experiences, and good ones slide right off. This is called negativity bias, and it's part of how our brains are wired for survival. Next time you have a positive moment (sun on your face, sitting down to a delicious meal, a hug, etc), stay with it for at least five seconds. Let it sink in. Such practices can help rewire our brains to one that’s more familiar with happiness.

Connect with others. So much research has shown that people with satisfying relationships tend to be happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer. Pick one person this week to call, text, or sit with, even for ten minutes.

Pick one thing from this list and try it tomorrow!