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PODCAST: A mom, two mental health experts and I talk about Shame and Guilt in Parenthood

1 day ago
2 min read

Updated: 7 hours ago

Have you had a day where you felt like you couldn't get anything right as a parent? You forgot their lunchbox/inside shoes, you lost my cool, they are melting down, and the family behind you in the checkout line looks happy, harmonious and so tidy. And they are giving you looks that make you feel like a terrible parent with terrible kids. I have, and sometimes I feel like the worst mom ever. Awash with embarrassment, shame and guilt.


Did you know that research has shown parents feel more shame and guilt than non-parents? And sometimes feel shame and guilt when there’s no legit reason to? And that while shame gets us stuck, guilt can be good for learning and connection (with our kids and others)?


Thai is what this podcast episode with the Kelty Mental Health center is about! I sat down with Char Black, Bryn Askwith, and Sarah, a mom of two, to talk about where shame comes from in parenthood, how it affects our parenting, and what we can do about it.


It’s helpful to know that guilt and shame often show up together, but they're not the same. Guilt says, "I did something that wasn't great, and I can do better next time." Shame says, "This shows who I am, and I'm not good enough." Guilt can push us toward repair. Shame usually makes us want to hide, get defensive, or disconnect. When you notice both, you can choose to focus on the action instead of beating yourself up.


I especially loved hearing from Sarah her experiences of shame and guilt as a parent.


Here’s a gem from what she said:


“Shame really shuts down lessons or threads that I think parenting can teach us, that our children can teach us. With shame my reactions are probably harsher… Whereas I think the guilt piece gives us a little bit more of a chance to listen to what our kids might be saying or what they might be exposing. There's an invitation to humility in guilt, to listening and to growth that maybe is not there with shame, which is unfortunate because in both cases, we're suffering.”


Isn’t that amazing? That felt so familiar to me.


A few things we talked about that might help:

  • Pause and ask, "Is it really true?" When you feel bad, notice what you're feeling and what it's telling you. You can name it, let it be there, and then move on.

  • Normalize the struggle for each other. Talk about the hard parts, the messy parts, and the times you got it wrong. Saying it out loud takes some of the power of shame away.

  • Reach out. Connection is one of the best antidotes to shame. Talk to a friend, a partner, or someone in your village, even when it's the last thing you feel like doing.

  • Be kind to yourself. Try shifting from "I'm a bad parent" to "This is really hard right now. I'm doing the best I can, and tomorrow I can try again."

We were never meant to parent alone. If this one feels close to home, I'd love for you to listen to the full episode.

 
 
 

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