BLOG The insanely hard work of raising kids differently from how we were raised.

“Bruh, stop, you’re just making things worse”, my daughter said to me.

Yep. She did. If I said that to my mom, I’d be running for cover, and she’d be justified for giving me a good hard slap.

Let’s rewind for a bit of context. My 17 year old daughter was behind on some schoolwork, and when I saw her on her phone yet again, I was exasperated and told her to put away her phone as clearly, she has better things to do. That thing is wasting her time and if she won’t I will.

That's when she said it. AND also that when I nag, it makes her more stressed, and her way of coping is to keep scrolling. She said she knows she needs to put it away, which she will,  that I need to let her make her own mistakes.

I felt something was either going very right or very wrong. Part of me felt disrespected, like my own words were being used against me, and I can feel this ancient anger rising. Another part of me was a little impressed. She seemed clear about her patterns, she advocated for what she needed. And I have seen her able to put the phone away to work and at this age she could make and own her mistakes. But I also know her brain is still developing and the phone's draw is so strong that even adults can't resist.

Did I do right, is this wrong, has the pendulum swung too far out? My parents would definitely call this rude, and a failure of my parenting. Yet I have friends and colleagues who would celebrate her capacity for self-knowledge and boundary drawing at such a young age, and congratulate my parenting. 

This is one of the many confusing moments of trying to raise my kids differently from how I was raised. It’s triggering and it’s taken me a lot to get to this point when I can sorta see what’s old baggage getting in the way, and what’s actually true. I had to walk away and take a moment to settle my cortisol. 

On reflection, as an EQ expert I’m glad she knows inner world and can voice her needs, AND as a Chinese mom I also need her to read the room better and respond more appropriately to an elder (that makes me sounds very old but you know what I mean, someone who’s had more salt than she had rice, and might know a bit more about life and deserves some courtesy). 

I know there’s many of us navigating these journeys of raising and educating kids differently from how we were raised, and it’s hard personal and professional work. I see you! 

Being transplanted in a different culture or generation, we often don’t have a choice. And sometimes when I know better I wished it was different for me back then, and that brings up a whole other crock of big feelings too. Confusion, frustration, resentment happens, but also pride, joy, fun and love.

Why it felt right to do things differently when it comes to feelings..

I was a kid with big feelings. I was so excited, and so angry, so often. I got in trouble quite a bit for it- In my family, good kids, especially girls, were quiet and calm. I don’t know how others can keep still when Chinese New Year was coming, or not yell and cry when something they want is taken away. Everybody around me just seemed to handle life better. I remember when we lost our dog. My heart hurt so much and I bawled for days. Everyone else got on with it. I was asked to leave the dinner table because my tears made my mom upset. 

So I felt bad for feeling bad. I thought something was wrong with me, and so I learned to keep it down.

It took me AGES to appreciate my feelings again, to know they were not the problem. Especially in the years I was traveling on my own, I became aware that they helped me stay safe and helped me figure out who I was. I found people who liked that I was joyous and curious and sad and angry sometimes, it made us closer that we shared feelings with one another.

I've now spent more than 20 years studying and teaching emotional intelligence, and I see the same pattern again and again. When people are aware of their feelings, they tend to have more resilience, better relationships, and enjoy more happiness and success. So with my own kids, I tried to do what I wish someone had done for me earlier. I paid attention to their feelings, named them, and gave them language and safe space to express them. I also helped them find ways to calm down when things got big.

It isn't easy. It means battling lots of old demons and confusion while trying to do what I think is right… and staying open to being wrong. It’s celebrating the little wins, and trying not to be too hard on myself when I end up kicking walls and slamming doors. 

What I find helps:

1. Spot the ‘rules’ you inherited. I keep discovering ‘rules’ I didn't realize I had. Usually when I feel anger bubbling up- a sign that whatever the kids did, had bumped up against something I hold dear. I’ve learnt to pause, and ask- what's the battle here? And how much does it matter?Many of the stuff that bugs me is old… stuff I grew up with shaped by that particular place and time. Do I need them to accept what I say and never talk back? Not really- I’d prefer them to practice advocating for themselves. But respectfully and politely. And so I focus on that instead. Name the rules and question which ones you want to keep, or change, and which you need to let go of.

2. Invest in building your village with people you trust, and expect it to take time. Doing anything new or different to what you know requires sounding boards. I’ve long learnt there’s just stuff I can’t figure out alone, and getting lost in my head makes things worse. Even if they have no answers, just talking things out to people I trust helps me understand the situation better.I get that the whole parenting thing can be lonely and we’re tired … but it’s worth investing the time to build a village.  Start small: even just that one parent you see at the playground all the time is a good start!

3. Stay open to being wrong. I hate being wrong. I love being right and shouting about it. But I don’t always know what right is when the paths are uncharted, and when I see that my kids' lived experiences are so different. How do I know what’s right for a teenage girl growing up in a liberal city talking to friends over social media more than in person? I don’t… which sucks. I’ve taught myself to ask questions, listen to what their lives are like, and offer ideas with my values rather than my habits.

4. Let kids make their own mistakes. This one is hard for me. My nervous system much prefers stepping in to prevent mistakes I see coming. I come from a culture where parents are expected to do everything for their kids. But I see that when they make a mistake and suffer the consequences, they remember the lessons way more than my nagging.

5. Celebrate the small wins. Sometimes it comes together across the generational culture temperamental divide,, and we have a conversation where we each feel seen and land on a solution that we can each live with. Magic! In my family it's a reason for a bubble tea mission.

6. Be gentle with yourself. Some days you'll yell, kick a wall or slam a door. That doesn't cancel out everything else you’ve done. Repairing ruptures strengthen relationships. My parents never apologized ever… but I do, and I feel my kids respect me for that. And I respect myself for that too, and it helps me move on.

7. Fill your own bucket. My parents also hardly took time for themselves, and I remember as a kid sensing when they are stressed and being anxious about it. They are more irritable for sure. 

Raising children takes resilience, stamina, complex skills, and a lot of compassion, especially for ourselves. It's harder when you're far from home and the rules keep changing.

You don't have to figure it all out at once. You're not alone. We’re all just doing our best with what we have!